Callis place

I wrote this on Facebook originally, but I modified it, and added (a lot) more text.

I like to think that life would be a teeny tiny bit easier if you could go about one week or more without any emotions, but it wouldn't, but then again it would.
And when it comes to certain things, ignorance really is bliss. 'Cause whether you want to believe it or not, you're better off not knowing some of the fucked up shit. You wish you didn't know about it, you do not want to know about it, b

ut at the same time you kind of want to, because you want to see the world for what it is, and the people as well. You have this hunger, this need, you are curious, you should stay far away, but you can't. And when you do know, you don't want it to impact you, and make you feel good, bad, aroused, or whatever things make you feel. And let me tell you why, let me spill the beans, and lay it all on the table for once.

Yesterday I made myself read horrible, fucked up shit about people saying that a 15 year old girl deserved to die (she commited suicide) because she made mistakes, in their words it was: "slutty, whorish and bitchy mistakes", and why people should acknowledge her death and not all the people that die daily.

And a lot of these comments were from other females saying things like "I have no respect for a dead whore." Everybody makes mistakes, and you cannot bounce back from them with a blink of an eye. Not only is bullying sickening, and horrible enough, but to trash a dead person immensely? To say that people should acknowledge the survivors and not care about the ones that perished, that their "reasons" for ending their lives wasn't legit enough? Of course you should admire the people that made it through, but saying that someone shouldn't kill themselves because of this and that and that they do not deserve your sympathy is pure ignorance. Yes, suicide is a permanent solution to a "temporary" problem, be whatever your problem is. But when depression comes into the picture, and a person has zero experience or knowledge about it, then it's best to glue those lips tight. And not everyone has the same breaking point in case this information surpassed you. Something as the loss of a parent can make one person stronger, but it can mentally break another person that has suffered the same thing. What does it give people to trash a person that commited suicide or is suffering from depression? I mean my goodness. People must have a limited supply of sympathy and empathy if this is how they reason and this is what they bring into an argument.

I for one, never got to know my mother because she was killed at point-blank range when I was 9 months old. I had no female role model to look up to, sure I have 4 aunts, but it wasn't the same. I had no mother to teach me this and that. I had to teach myself. For godness's sake I learned myself how to do braids on my fucking Barbie doll, and I was so proud it was mindblowing for me. Does this sound sad to you? Maybe it does, if you do, then that information would be trivial to me really. And am I worse off than someone that lost their parent after they got to create memories and share experiences? No, it is far worse to lose someone that you got to know, than not to know the person at all. You don't have anything to miss, because you do not know the person, but yes, I do miss what could have been. But I refuse to live in a fantasy, and let it sweep me off my feet.

And mourning everyone that dies daily? People would slam their heads in the freaking wall repeatedly if you had to mourn every single human that dies every second of every day. The mourning and the sadness would be far too great to handle and people would become clinically depressed, and probably end their own life. And besides, no one could handle that amount of grief, be realistic, please. No one is a saint in this world, not entirely, and you'd have to be pretty naive to think so. And another interesting thing is, when people ask why millions of people mourn one celebrity but no one mourns the millions of people that die. I'm sorry, but are people that think this way a proven statistic for how others cope with death? Do they have the answer because they feel the need, the right to ask this? Please, let me clarify why it is like this:

The fact that people mourn a celebrity is because they grew up with the celebrity, they can relate to him or her, or they simply just had an impact on their lives. Just try and imagine the mayhem that would occur if Britney Spears was in an accident and didn't make it. The teens of today would be "Britney who?", but the older ones would know. When I found out that Michael Jackson died I simply didn't believe it at first, and like many other fans I was hoping it was a hoax. But did I cry? No. But it does seem strange that there won't be anymore amazing songs by this genius. I've been a huge fan of him since I was 4 years old, so I grew up with this mans music, watching his concerts and music videos. But I didn't cry, no. But there are people that did, and also people that killed themselves. You can judge them if you want, but I won't, 'cause what's the point?

What I've cried the most about, in my life, was when my grandfather passed away.
Here's the short version for you:
He was sick for a long time because he suffered from a stroke. He was about to return back home when just a mere days before he was coming home, he suffered from another stroke while going to the bathroom, and was pronounced dead after 15 minutes of attempt of resuscitation. I had been to the movies that day and saw The Grudge 2, and when I got home I couldn't sleep because that girl creeped me out so bad. But I also had a bad feeling, and this was at the time when my grandfather died. When I found out I literally cried nonstop for 8 hours. And as if that was not enough I had to visit my grandmother, and watch the rest of my relatives destroyed and in tears. And one of my cousins was there and had to witness this, only 8 years old, she looked at our grandfather, paralyzed in the kitchen, not knowing what was wrong.
This is one of many reasons why I think that it would feel good not to have any emotions and not having to feel.
But hey, now you have your explanation to why people mourn celebrities, why they don't. And a little personal experience on my behalf, from me to you. Now it's up to you to process and take in that information, if you are willing to.

If you haven't noticed it yet, yes, I'm a cynic. The human race is messed up, and it makes me truly afraid of what humans are capable of. Animal cruelty, mothers abusing their own children until the brink of death, doing things in the name of their religion, et cetera et cetera. There are so many horrible things that occur, but why did I only name three out of so many? That would be because I have zero tolerance when it comes to the first two, animal cruelty and child abuse. Children and animals are the purest and most innocent things in this world, and to defile, abuse and kill a child or animal is...well, as you can see, there are not even words to express the "fucked-up-ness" about it. I find myself sometimes watching people, wondering what their story is, and then I think that it's best not to go there. The human race has made me fucking paranoid, I am truly afraid of humans, and I would honestly prefer to lock myself up and not have to face anyone ever, but that sure as hell wouldn't be the least bit healthy.

And the issue with me is that I'm also an asshole. I know. It might not come off as it, but that's 'cause you haven't witnessed me when something triggers my "asshole-gene". And when I mean asshole, I'm not talking about a total bitch-mode. The best way to explain my "asshole-gene" is that, the majority of the people have it where I'm from originally. We are raised in a certain way, the way we talk to others from our country can smudge others. We are blunt, we are crude. For example, I've had to hear countless of times "Eat shit" et cetera during my upbringing, which eventually dug itself deep into my personality and has made me not tolerate the slightest attitude from someone. Which is actually hilarious, considering I give a whole lot of attitude to others. But why? Because it is who I am, bluntness and attitude from family rubbed itself on me and now I'm no better than the rest that are rude. People from Balkan are shaped to annoy people, you might like us at first, but eventually we will get on your nerves, we will make you get annoyed at us. Call us this and that, tell us to calm down. Well, good luck with that.
Fuck, even I can't stand what I read written about others and how it is with their families. It's shockingly true all of it, and here's the oh so delicious sweet part, it annoys me, it annoys me how true it actually is. It makes me grit my teeth. Is this fucking normal? The fuck it ain't. But I'm not perfect, you're not perfect, your mother, your father aren't perfect. And not normal either. "Perfect" and "normal" does not exist if you ask me. I'm a cynical person, remember?

Even though there are so many wonderful people in the world, that do AMAZING things to one another, I still have extremely little faith in humanity.

Also, women are actually worse than men, personality and behavior-wise, we really are. Don't deny it, don't try and fool yourself. Hell, I'm as fucked up as any other woman out there. I dare you to try and find one woman that does not throw a hissy fit over nothing, isn't manipulative, isn't a cock tease (intentionally or unintentionally), isn't this and that, be it anything. And then find men that fit into the charesteristics. But of course, that won't happen, 'cause women are wired in this way, men aren't.

This is just something I think about, sometimes I just have to write down the action that takes place in my head. I have a blog for this, and now I'm putting the blog up for it.
But I also prefer to distance myself, well, not really distance. More like...crack jokes about things. Why? Because if you don't make jokes occasionally about things, or at your own expense, then life will be harder to deal with. Laughter is needed in a world like this, but like I wrote earlier. No emotions for a while would be great.

Fo shizzle, now that's whassup and booyah! Now smooch me, I'm smart. I swear, dawg.